Getting There

Most 6 year old boys like to watch cartoons and run and play Nerf guns and eat junk food and do silly 6year old things like telling knock-knock jokes and making random fart noises. My six year old does many of those things... but he also has the soul of someone much older and wiser. He is only a few weeks into his lifelong diagnosis on Type 1 diabetes, and for a 6 year old (and his overwhelmed mama) that's a pretty big deal, and yet, he amazes me every day with how well he has done with that reality. He has embraced it. It is part of the fabric that makes up Son Number One now. And it's beautiful, if a diabetes diagnosis can be beautiful.

Let me back way up. I remember going to my ultrasound when I was pregnant with him--before I knew he was a "him". I remember laying on the table with my belly exposed knowing that I would have another perfect little girl to be a sister for The Queen Bee. They'd wear matching dresses and be best friends and our home would be overflowing with pink and sparkles. And then the little sister I imagined turned out to be the little brother I never even really considered. I was pretty sure I didn't know what to do with little boys--mine or otherwise. And so I tried throughout the rest of my pregnancy to connect with this boy I wasn't sure what to do with. And I remember right after he was born, I held him and told him I was sorry, and cried, and told him that I would figure out how to be a boy Mom. I have told him that story a bunch, how I knew he'd be a girl (and how I knew his brothers would be girls...) and how I wasn't sure I wanted a boy... and how he changed my mind.

This is the boy who would never take a bottle from anyone. He would go all day to the sitter while I was at work and not eat til I came home. This is the baby who was afraid of grass, who had the most beautiful hair for a little boy, who adores trains, and who genuinely loves every single person in his life. He puts me to shame. He cares on a level that I'm not sure I do all of the time. I have thought countless times since our first conversation that I didn't deserve this kid. He is completely pure of heart. I try to be and fail pretty regularly.

I pulled him aside tonight to give him his evening shot of Lantus (which he prefers to call his nighttime insulin), and injected into his tummy. You could see that it stung more than usual. And you know what this kid said? "Sorry you have to do that. I know you are just trying to keep me healthy, Mom."

He apologized to ME. My 6 year old who has to get poked 8-10 times a day apologized to me. And he genuinely meant every word.

I have been presented with information on a research study for a drug that may prolong the beta cells in a newly diagnosed type 1 diabetic. Son Number One meets all preliminary requirements, and so Superdad and I think it'd be a good opportunity for him potentially. But since he is aware of everything, I want him to have input, too. So I pretty directly explained to him what it entails... notably it would require IV infusions periodically, and I wanted him to be aware of that. And so I carefully and in great detail explained everything I could, including that it may not help at all. And without missing a beat, he said this. "Mom, I want to do it. Even if it doesn't help me, it may help other kids if they get Type 1. Maybe then nobody would have to get it." My 6 year old will voluntarily sign up to get more IV's and do extra stuff not because it may help him personally, but because it may help others. And then he apologized for making me cry. And thanked me for helping keep him healthy. And made my cry some more.

I have made many screw-ups in my life. I am disorganized, I like to gossip every now and again, I don't exercise like I should, I am jealous of things that others have that I would like... but I am a good mom. I may be an epic failure at many things--and I am--but I am a good mom. I totally don't deserve any of my amazing children, but I adore them, and I love them, and I pour every bit of myself into ensuring that they know they are loved as they are for who they are. Tonight, For a couple minutes, it felt like maybe I was doing the Mom thing right--even if I thought I didn't know how to raise boys.

I'm getting there.