sad and mad and hurting and confused and disappointed

The past week has been an emotional one for me.  I don't really love to talk about my emotions, and sometimes I like to just pretend I'm a robot without any wild emotional response to current events... but not this week. I am sad and mad and hurting and confused and disappointed... My thoughts are usually more organized than this, so I apologize for being all over the place. 

I am sad.  I am sad that someone was hurting so much that he decided to go into a school, a safe place for CHILDREN and shoot and kill 17 people who'd done nothing to deserve that.  I don't care what the background of that individual was, I am sad that ANY person would get to that point in their life and decide to commit such a heinous crime.  I am sad for everyone who got out of that situation alive whose lives will never be the same, whose school experience will be forever changed, and who will have to try and go back to "normal" after what I expect is a life-changing event.  I am sad for those precious lives that were lost, and promise that they had that was unfulfilled.  Schools are supposed to be safe, and theirs wasn't. I am sad for the families whose loved ones didn't come home.  I can't help but think of my own little people, and what I would do if something happened to one of them.  I get teary now thinking about it, with a sick feeling in my stomach.  

I'm mad.  I'm mad that there have been so many school shootings in this country, and that so little has been done.  And I am mad about how so many conversations about that go.  I like to believe that everyone can agree that there is a gun violence problem in this country.  And while I realize that the guns aren't violent on their own--they are certainly used violently far too often.  I read something on facebook that said something to the effect of "If my kid hits someone one with a stick, I don't blame the stick--but I still take it away from my kid." THIS.  

When they realized that too many people were being injured in car accidents, they installed seatbelts.  They didn't blame the cars or make people stop driving them or take them away--but they made change.  

When it was clear that pseudoephedrine/ephedrine products were being used in the manufacture of methamphetamine drugs, they regulated them and now you have to give them your ID to purchase the "good" cold medicine.  You could even argue that most cold medicine users are responsible and are using the drugs for a cold... and they still regulate them.  

People make the same argument for guns, and it makes me mad every single time.  I believe that most gun owners are responsible citizens, same as I believe most people who buy cold medicine are. But when there was a problem with cold medicine being used for things it wasn't meant for--something changed.  When guns are being used for something that they weren't intended to be used for--can't there be some discussion about how we can make changes to that part of this culture and tighten some things up?  

It hurts that in my job as a MUSIC teacher, I have to think about what to do in case someone comes into my school building with a desire to hurt me and/or my students. When I became a music teacher, it was because I wanted to help to create more beauty and joy in the world and share some love and light to my students' lives.  I still believe that music is super important and that I am adding beauty to the world... but it is disheartening to know that as a teacher I may be at some point expected to protect my kids---and they are all my kids while they are in my classroom---from someone who may want to harm them in some way.  When I was in school (and I realize that it's been a few years since then...), this wasn't something that was ever a reality or something that we really needed to think about.  I know times have changed...  and it hurts to think about how much.

I am confused.  I am confused by those elected officials who have the power to make change, who say that change needs to happen, and then who do nothing.  I am confused by those who send thoughts and prayers and then do nothing further.  I am confused by the fact that there have been so many school shootings and so little change to come from them.  

I am disappointed that there are so few productive discussions to come from this. When I suggest that there be some common sense restrictions on guns, I am often met with horror and immediate dismissal.  I don't want to take everyone's guns, I don't think all guns are bad, I don't think all gun owners are bad.  I am disappointed that it feels like guns are more important than children.  Let me just say that again.  I am disappointed that in this country, it seems like unfettered access to firearms is more important than children's safety.  And probably that's a bold not entirely true statement to make... but right now, it feels that way.  

And so this is what I want.  I want people to have real discussions.  Uncomfortable ones.  How do we fix this?  How do we BEGIN to fix this?  I think there need to be some limits in place.  I think that things in schools need to change.  I want to understand where people who don't feel as I do are coming from.  I want to not have to worry about being safe in my workplace.  I want my kids to feel safe at school. I don't want anyone to ever feel like going into a school and shooting children is a solution to any kind of problem. I want my job to be more about creating beauty and less about emergency flip charts.  

How can we be the change?  Seriously?  Can we discuss?